Fear Factor

Justin. Another guy from India in my office .On the second day after his arrival in Mauritius, we had a little chance to catch up with each other in the Bus.Not exactly catching up , because I was not very eager to know about him, and I guess neither was he, but probably the fact that both of us are from India and living in the same country, and traveling together at that time forced us to fill the silence.
After a bit of talking , he asked me, " So, you live alone? "
I replied ,"yes.".
"How do you live alone?".
I laughed and said,"By not letting any body stay with me.
"I mean aren't you scared ?"
"Scared of what?" I was a bit puzzled.
He paused for a while and said ,"Scared of yourself ".

It was one question that I knew for such a long time ,still never could frame into words.A question that is more abstract than its answer.But we simply don't have the courage to ask it to ourself.Probably because we are too afraid of the answer.
we are all scared of ourself.Its not the boredom that frightens us from spending time alone.But the fear of confronting those facts which we try to avoid throughout our life.The questions that ask us about our existence and the fear that the answer is as simple as null.Or may be talcum powder. I don't know. I cant find it. Probably it doesn't exist.But I do know that its not what we think or want ourself to think.
That its all illusion. Life, success, fun, family, love ,emotions .Anything and everything. That we are all of merely chemical compounds who believe that they are not.That the best of you which you happen to define as soul is also nothing but merely jumping of an electron from one energy level to another.Or may be something else. I don't know.

I don't remember what exactly I answered to Justin,that's not important.But the answer is yes,I am afraid of myself . But I am fighting against it.I am fighting to end this fear.It hurts.But someday I will. May be death will do.
Someday I wont be afraid of the questions. And someday I wont be afraid of even the answers.Someday..